Resident Evil: Afterlife

I’m not sure that I’m the right person to be offering my opinion of Resident Evil: Afterlife, the fourth installment of the zombie-themed video-game-come-action-thriller. After all, I’ve never played the game (I’ve got clumsy thumbs) and have only ever seen the first film of the franchise. But this one thing I know is true: supermodels are even hotter in slow motion and 3D.

The supermodel in question is Ukranian-born Milla Jovovich, who plays Alice, a one-woman zombie-killing machine. Ever since the evil Umbrella Corporation triggered the apocalypse by “accidentally” freeing the deadly T-Virus that turned the majority of Earth’s population into a race of bloodthirsty zombies, Alice has been on a mission to take them down. Along the way, she’s hell-bent on saving as many survivors as possible, including a group led by Claire Redfield (Ali Larter) who at the end of Resident Evil: Extinction (the film immediately preceding this one) heads off to a purportedly zombie-free safe haven called Arcadia. When last we saw our sexy superhuman slayer…

Did I mention that somehow Alice’s blood cells had bonded with the deadly virus, imbuing her with incredible strength, speed, healing and psionic abilities? Yeah, well, that happened.

As I was saying, when last we saw our sexy superhuman slayer, she had just discovered an army of clones of herself and promised to bring them along to kick Umbrella overlord Albert Wesker’s (this time around played by Shawn Roberts) butt. That’s where Resident Evil: Afterlife kicks off with a vengeance. In a tightly orchestrated and cleverly filmed 3D sequence, writer-director and Jovovich spouse Paul W.S. Anderson has Alice slice, dice, and even julienne through a seemingly endless supply of Umbrella goons in a secret lab deep underneath what had once been Tokyo.

Wait, how does Umbrella Corp have so many perfectly normal employees? I thought everyone had turned into zombies. Oh, well. Whatever. Never mind.

So yes, 3D. Awesome! The film was actually shot in 3D, rather than ineptly retrofitted (see The Last Airbender), which means the effects mostly make sense. Among the many projectiles that Alice sends hurtling at the Umbrella goons in the opening scenes are Japanese throwing stars, swords, and enormous caliber shotgun rounds. And then there’s the gorgeous Ms. Jovovich herself. Not only are there about 15 of her clad in skintight pants, they’re all in 3D. Nice!

Suddenly, wooden Wesker–channeling the spirit of The Matrix’s Agent Smith in dress, demeanor, and diction–blows up all the clones and injects our hero with some sort of antidote, relieving Alice of her superhuman abilities and the film of much of its charm. There’s still the 3D rain, at least.

Alice goes on, of course, to follow signs of Arcadia to Alaska and then Los Angeles. It’s only about five minutes into the movie, and the show, as they say, must go on. But the rest of the script (Anderson returns as both writer and director for the first time since the original Resident Evil) is dull, predictable, and riddled with enormous caliber plot holes. Alice reconnects with Claire and meets some survivors, who either don’t have names or who are so short-lived, they might as well have been clones. The only memorable additions to the cast are a charismatic former basketball star named Luther (Boris Kodjoe) and Claire’s long-lost brother, Chris (Wentworth Miller).

I got the sense that Chris was supposed to be a big deal. I mean, aside from the fact that Miller is the eye-candy equivalent of a jumbo Pixy Stix added to Mountain Dew. Wikipedia tells me Chris Redfield is the protagonist of the video games, but the film never explains his back-story or his importance. In fact, his inclusion, along with Claire’s amnesia caused by a scarab-looking chest-sucking robot device (yeah, that’s what I said), end up adding nothing but confusion to the thinly plotted affair. In a movie with no plot, you’d think there would be some time for character exposition.

The only recourse in Resident Evil: Afterlife is to have tons of gory zombie deaths, elaborate fight scenes and explosions, all filmed in the slow-motion, rippled-air, 360-degree camera angle style that has quickly become a cliché.

Note to Anderson: If you haven’t already sent one, you totally owe the Wachowskis a fruit basket.

Additional videogame baddies, including a towering axe-wielding behemoth called “The Executioner” might be a welcome delight for Xbox devotees. The rest of us clumsy-thumbed folks will just patiently await real-life Jovovich clones. That would be sweet.