Saw 3D (2010)

If snuff movies existed and were readily available, Saw 3D and other films of the long-running horror franchise would be out of business. For despite Jigsaw’s (Tobin Bell) twisted moralizing about placing people in grisly deathtraps as a means of embracing life, the Saw series is all about watching attractive people die while secretly fantasizing about being the one to press the button or pull the lever. Consider it catharsis for the reality show generation.

The seventh and final installment–at least until the producers discover the straight-to-DVD market–Saw 3D picks up right where the previous film left off. Jigsaw successor and former cop Mark Hoffman (Costas Mandylor) has survived an attempt on his life by the serial killer’s widow, Jill Tuck (Betsy Russell). Knowing that Hoffman won’t stop until she’s dead, Tuck heads straight to the cops and offers to give him up in exchange for immunity. Internal Affairs officer Matt Gibson (Chad Donella, looking like a thinner version of Christian Bale) jumps at the chance.

But the current Jigsaw Killer is far from finished. Hoffman has a number of tricks up his sleeve, many of which won’t be revealed until the last third of the film. In the meantime, he continues the tradition of testing various individuals via cleverly engineered and patently lethal traps (especially those associated with a self-help guru played by Sean Patrick Flannery, who foolishly and falsely claimed to be a Jigsaw survivor). Since anyone reading this probably has an interest in such things, allow me to provide a brief preview:

• In full view of the public, two men are secured to a work table with buzz saws in front of one another. Above them, with her own buzz saw suspended below, is their mutual love interest. Either one of the men must die, or the young woman will be lowered to her doom.
• A skinhead is glued to the seat of a car. If he fails to pull himself free (taking off his skin in the process) and pull a lever within 60 seconds, three of his racist buddies will be killed in various gruesome ways.
• A publicist faces being impaled through the neck by four spikes. Her only salvation is the key in her stomach. It’s attached to a sting, but so is a nasty fishhook.
• The guru’s lawyer will have her eyes and mouth impaled unless he braves the pain required to shut off the device.
• A blindfolded man suspended above the ground floor must walk across rickety boards and catch a key or face death by hanging.
• A devoted wife (and totally innocent victim) faces being burned alive if her spouse can’t attach hooks through his pectoral muscles and pull himself up to the required height.
• Don’t worry…the infamous reverse bear trap also makes several appearances.

Saw 3D certainly delivers in the gore department, and it reportedly had to be submitted six times to the MPAA to avoid an NC-17 rating. Despite the cuts, it remains a very hard “R,” with more graphic dismemberment and death than I’ve seen in many unrated DVD releases. For fans of the franchise, this should be music to your ears. It’s also an assault on your ears, thanks to ear-blasting guitar riffs and some truly gross-out sound effects courtesy of foley artist Steve Baine.

I could go on about the lack of screen time for actors such as Tobin Bell and Cary Elwes, or the nonsensical and utterly failed master plan by the film’s mad genius, but what would be the point? If you like watching people get torn into pieces on-screen, then you’ll probably enjoy Saw 3D. Maybe one day when time travel is possible, you can go back and witness Christians being fed to lions.

If such graphic antics offend your delicate sensibilities, then by all means avoid Saw 3D like you would a leper on a crowded elevator. There’s nothing new to recommend here, and the 3D effects only put you that much closer to all the bloody stumps and arterial sprays.

Not that I dislike blood and guts. Quite the contrary, actually. It’s just that I like a little meat with my bone, and the Saw franchise was chewed up and spit out a long time ago.